- MarissaBrand
- gordman
- mithunsarker
- Kim07
- Ralph Waldren
Linuxa at Eleuthra
Submitted by Willy Smith on 7 February, 2004 - 21:14.
(with apologies to Euripedes and Iphigenia at Aulis, among others.)
Cast:
Bilimemnon, king of Geece and city of Micropolis.
Act I
Scene I
The country of Geece, whose inhabitants are known as Geeks. The castle of Bilimemnon, king of Geece, in Micropolis. Enter Bilimemnon and Baldmoronous.
Bilimemnon: Baldmoronous, come hither and stand before me.
Baldmoronous: I come; what new schemes now, king Bilimemnon?
Bilimemnon: Just shut up and listen.
Baldmoronous: I am all aglow with eagerness. Hardly enough sleep my work allows me, and even my rare pleasure in the mountains is interrupted these days.
Bilimemnon: What can that star be, up there to the west?
Baldmoronous: It's but an illusion, the lights of Eleuthra reflected by the dusty atmosphere.
Bilimemnon: The Nasdaquii are quiet at any rate and the laws are strong; paid and hushed are the politicians, and silence broods over my abode.
Baldmoronous: Then why are you sitting here outside your castle, why are you so restless, my lord Bilimemnon? All is yet quiet here in Micropolis, the Geeks not yet astir. Let us go in.
Bilimemnon: I envy you, old man, aye, and every free Geek who leads a life secure, unknown and unrenowned; but little I envy those in cubicles.
Baldmoronous: And yet that's where we place all of our hopes!
Bilimemnon: Yes, but that is where the danger comes; and ambition, sweet though it seems, brings sorrow and boredom with its enduring years. Now the unsatisfied claims of Europa upset our life, as also the numerous peevish fancies of our desires shatter it.
Baldmoronous: I like not these sentiments in one who is rich as Croesus. It was not only to enjoy blessings that you came into this life, O Bilimemnon; you must needs experience joy and sorrow alike, mortal as you are. Even if you don't like it, this is what the gods decree; but lately you, after letting your wares spread to every corner of the globe, write the mail which is still in memory and then delete the same words again, closing and re-opening your window, then flinging the writing implement to the ground with floods of tears, leaving nothing undone in your pointless behaviour, making yourself and everyone else crazy. What is it wrong with you? What bad news is there that's gotten to you, my friend? Come on, tell me what's going on; you'll be telling it to your loyal and trusty friend's heart; I've been here since the basic beginning, before the Internetine wars.
Bilimemnon: The god Ordinatus and his mortal wife Eunice had three children, girls: Melea, Phaosa my wife, and Linuxa; this last it was who had for wooers the foremost of the favoured sons of Geek descent; yet Darilictus thought he had won her hand. Not known by him that Eunice is his aunt, the marriage should never come to pass. When Linuxa learned the truth, she fled to Eleuthra, which is ruled by Linusseus, and ever guarded by the savage giants Bimnos, Novelos, and Susephos.
Yet I would have her, especially now, for my wife Phaosa is always sick, constantly plagued by dreaded yeasts. Linuxa ever was my first love; I proclaimed it boldly before the people two decades ago, although in those days of her youth she called herself Xenixa.
For many years I kept her from my mind, trying to ignore her beauty and grace. I buried myself in gold, and art, and conquests of lesser fiefdoms. Yet I could not banish her presence! At last, the seer bade us in our perplexity to sacrifice my own begotten child Entia to Ordinatos, whose home is in this land, declaring that if we offered her, we should sail and sack the Eleuthran capital, but if we forbore, this was not for us. Yet once I did the deed, it was all for nothing, for the three giants grow fatter yet; I fear the wrath of the Nasdaquii even more. And Linuxa is out of sight, out of reach. I burn ever with desire for her unfaded beauty, even more her wisdom and health! What can I do?
Baldmoronous: What do you want to do? Make it clear, that what I say may agree with what you think.
Bilimemnon: Perhaps I should send her a message: "Daughter of Eunice, in addition to my first letter I now send another: Come and live with me, to the city of Micropolis; for after all you will be soiled by the seething crowds of Eleuthra."
Baldmoronous: And how will Darilictus, cheated of his love, curb the fury of his indignation against you and your wife?
Bilimemnon: That's another problem.
Baldmoronous: Tell me about it.
Bilimemnon: He thinks he had her once, but now hates what he touched. And now that she is out of reach, perhaps he may be induced to aid my goals and desires. For he loves gold, and looks to me for advice. An artifice is what we need, and you will help me...
Baldmoronous: It has the air of a wicked plan, king Bilimemnon! That you, by filling Darilictus' coffers, would trick him into bringing the woman hither to become your mistress.
Bilimemnon: Woe is me! I am totally out of sorts; confusion comes over me. Get out of here, you're upsetting my nervous thoughts.
Baldmoronous: I've left.
Bilimemnon: No, wait, come back.
Baldmoronous: Ah! You're confusing me!
Bilimemnon: But how can we fill Darilictus' coffers yet have none see our plans?
Baldmoronous: It shall be so. For such a scheme to be devised, we need the help of the Laurerii.
Bilimemnon: Start then from the gates, and if you find any who could do the deed, send them to me!
Chorus: To the city of Micropolis I saw the Laurerii come in droves, braving countless dangers of long voyages, coming to the aid of king Bilimemnon, never thinking of themselves, but only of his gold. All met together in council. Thus with careful planning came they one and all to the same worthy decree, that the giants must be killed, and that king Darilictus could be so induced by gold and treachery to do the deed. Spread the news far and wide, that the giants Bimnos, Novelos, and Susephos must be killed, a hero's task, yet not above the powers of Darilictus.
Scene II
(A garden at the palace of king Bilimemnon. Enter Darilictus and Baldmoronous.
Baldmoronous: (As Darilictus wrests a letter from him)
Darilictus: Stand back! You're carrying loyalty to your master too far.
Baldmoronous: That you say that is to my credit.
Darilictus: You'll be sorry, if you get involved in matters that are not your concern.
Baldmoronous: You had no right to open a letter which I was carrying.
Darilictus: You have no right to speak to someone as great as I.
Baldmoronous: Say what you like, just give me back that letter.
Darilictus: I shall not.
Baldmoronous: I'm not letting go either!
Darilictus: When the paper cuts your hand, I shall pour lemon juice on it.
Baldmoronous: To sting in my master's cause is a noble suffering.
Darilictus: Let go! You talk too much for a slave.
Baldmoronous: (Seeing Bilimemnon approaching) Help, he is hurting me; he grabbed your letter violently from my hand, Bilimemnon, and will not listen to reason.
Enter Bilimemnon.
Bilimemnon: How now? What means this brawling at my gates, this crass uproar?
Darilictus: My story, not his, should be heard first.
Bilimemnon: Darilictus! What quarrel do you have with this man, why you hurting him? Leave him alone!
Exit Baldmoronous.
Darilictus: Look me in the eye! That's how were going to start out.
Bilimemnon: Oh, am I supposed to tremble in fear?
Darilictus: See this? This letter has a shameful message!
Bilimemnon: I see it, yes; first give it back.
Darilictus: No, not till I have shown its contents to all of Eleuthra.
Bilimemnon: What! Did you already read it?
Darilictus: Yes, I opened it and know what you would do.
Bilimemnon: Where did you grab Baldmoronous? Ye gods you've got a lot of nerve!
Darilictus: I was standing here, thinking about Linuxa, and how my coffers have been diminished.
Bilimemnon: What right do you have to spy on me? This is shamelessness!
Darilictus: It's not what I was planning, but I'm not your slave.
Bilimemnon: Faugh! Am I not allowed to seek my own glory?
Darilictus: No, for you think crooked thoughts, first one thing, before that it was something else, and now something completely different.
Bilimemnon: It's still none of your concern!
Darilictus: Yes, but your mind is unstable and will do you in. You're even disloyal to friends. Now I am thinking about testing you, so don't get upset, nor will I for my part push too hard. Remember your eagerness to conquer the Dirdossians, pretending compatibility, though eager to destroy them in your secret heart; how quiet you were back then! Taking each man by the hand and keeping open doors for every fellow Geek who cared to enter, letting each in turn a chance to talk to you personally, even though some didn't even want to, trying to become popular by these methods; then when you had taken command, you changed your tune for the worse; you weren't so friendly anymore, but hard to get to see, seldom to be found at home. But a man of real worth shouldn't change his tune in the hour of prosperity, he should then show himself reliable to his friends, when his own good fortune can help them even more. This was the first bone I have with you, for this was where I first discovered your treachery; but afterwards, when you gathered all the Geeks, you wouldn't talk to me; no! Yet now, what dismay and confusion is in your face! To think that you, with ten thousand Geeks at your command, could not storm the gates of Eleuthra with your armies! But would you ask my advice, "What am I to do? What plan can I devise. Where can I find a good one?"; To save yourself from being stripped of your dominance, and stripped of your wealth and fame?
Now when the Laurerii say the giants must be killed, declaring that you should do it, you were overjoyed, and gladly undertook to do the deed in stealth, never bothering to mention it to me! Now I've caught you after all, sending this letter to that effect, "I will kill the giants myself, with the help of all my Laurerii." Sure! Countless others have already tried this deed; they make an effort while they think they have the power, and then give up in shame, sometimes due to the enormity of the task, sometimes deservedly, because they are too weak by themselves; or by not maintaining the flow of gold. For my part, I am sorry for our poor Geeks! I would do the deed, and have you fill my coffers. In this way none may fault you for your seeming angry moves, nor take your power. I have retained a mighty staff! I will have the glory and the wealth too!
Bilimemnon: I can see that. You're doing me a favor, thanks a lot. Now go; for the rest it will be well, as Fate proceeds. I'll even pay to have the deed done. But what of Linusseus?
Darilictus: Linusseus cannot possibly hurt us, once the giants are dead.
Bilimemnon: He is clever by nature, relying on the love of his people.
Darilictus: True, he is a slave to popularity, a fearful evil.
Exit Darilictus.
Chorus: Then it was my eagerness to see the city of Kaldyros. I saw even more Laurerii streaming to the side of king Darilictus, goading him to the lofty challenge. It was a wonder to behold, I filled my girlish eyes with gazing, a frightening but fascinating delight. I saw his army of Laurerii, hundreds leaving their paneled abodes to fight the righteous battle, sacrificing even to Hercubush and his counsellors, to induce them to help Darilictus and the Laurerii!
(Bilimemnon, alone.)
Bilimemnon: Ah, this is too good! I'm a happy man, what can I say? Where shall I begin? Into what perfect situation have I been placed! Fortune has helped me again, proving far cleverer than any plans I could make. What an advantage my humble birth possesses! Oh! But what am I going to tell my wife? How should I greet her? How can I face meeting her? For I'm so tired of her exploits, I can't take any more; yet it will be natural that her sister should come to perform housekeeping duties, once the giants are dead. Why I am doing this? Perhaps death, I think, will be the best plan for Phaosa - how I pity her! The Geeks will plead to me, I know: "Why is she dead? She's our friend! We'd give our lives for her!" I'll have to cry in childish accents, inarticulate, yet fraught with meaning. Alas! I hate these games!
Chorus:
Scene III
At Bilimemnon's palace in Micropolis.
Bilimemnon: What news, Baldmoronous?
Baldmoronous: The gods have left us, have you not heard?
Bilimemnon: What? Has all reason gone? Have I not sacrificed to Hercubush? What have the gods decreed? Tell me now, Baldmoronous!
Baldmoronous: The rumor flew, yet I waited for an auspicious hour; not wishing to alarm, but you know what happens nowadays, with communications flowing fast. One hesitates to spread a bluff.
Bilimemnon: What is it? Am I to stand here and listen to this lengthy soliloquy? Get it out, man!
Baldmoronous: I fear your wrath, I've been around you a long time, I've seen you before...
Bilimemnon: If you want to continue to see me, you'll tell me the word! Even if Darilictus has been killed, fear not! It's no great loss. Are the giants dead? That's all that matters, that I may take Linuxa for my own!
Baldmoronous: The giants had Darilictus for a midday meal, and laughed at his Laurerii. They dropped their swords and ran. Linuxa remains in Eleuthra, having expressed her wish to never leave.
Bilimemnon: That's not so bad, we're not done yet! In fact, it suits us well.
Baldmoronous: But gold was found in Darilictus' city, with the seal of Micropolis plain for all to see...
Bilimemnon:
Act II
Scene I
(later in the same place)
Chorus:: All knew the legend of Bilimemenon's fair realm, how it came to be, by the twin secrets of his magic dye and the Nazdaquii. Craftsmen from the world around came as he enticed them to dye their goods with his beautiful tints, whose colorful allure added charm and grace. Yet none would he let own the dye, he only bid them continue their trades, and coat their products with its beautiful adornment. Then he learned the secret of the Nazdaquii, the enchanted birds who came to feed the Geeks as they worked and worked. As the Geeks grew in number, the Nazdaquii multiplied, and flocked to provide the Geeks with food and gold. All were pleased with the arrangement, and thus the kingdom of Geece grew in power, wealth, and reputation, as all came to buy the treasured products of Bilimemnon. In the farther regions of the earth, some tried to copy the special dye; but the clever Geeks soon found a way to add a hidden luster, which when held to the sun, would shimmer and display the well-known words: "Do not make illegal copies of this product".
Baldmoronous:: I can't find the Laurerii.
Bilimemnon:: Woe is me! I see no way out of this predicament!
Baldmoronous:: Couldn't you be happy with Melea? Perhaps we can find her, she looks a lot like Linuxa. She's older, but fair.
Bilimemnon:: No, she married a Gaulish barbarian philospher named Cartorum, the one who said "I think, therefore I am". Now all the Gauls think different. Besides, Stalhóm speaks Gaulish, and I couldn't bear to be reminded of him, which I surely would if I had to hear that wretched accent all the time. I must have Linuxa! I will enjoy her charms always, and see her face here every day and every night. Indeed, I cannot stop until she is mine!
Chorus:: I saw great man Stalhóm, father of Linusseus, a humble farmer in the land of Eleuthra. I marvelled at his every striving, to grow the best crops, as he developed a fertilizer made with horn of gnu, which caused his grain to be the best. I watched with delight as he encouraged the other farmers in his land to use the fertilizer and share their seeds with each other. In time I saw the land grow prosperous, and stood in awe as Stalhóm built a magnificent structure, the Acropolis, where farmers met to share their crops and seeds. I saw his son follow in his footsteps, who added feather of penguin to the fertilizer, creating the finest soil men had ever seen. I watched as Linusseus also grew a new kind of corn, and worked on its kernel until it provided sustenance and livelihood for all who wished to share in its magnificent yield. I saw their fame and fortune grow, and noticed that they had friends and admirers virtually everywhere.
Baldmoronous:: But wait! I've thought of something new!
Bilimemnon:: What, is there also brilliance beneath your polished dome?
Baldmoronous:: We may yet use our weakness as a strength. You must recall how the one problem with our precious system of dyes is the small holes, which allow a wretched yeast to penetrate, grow, and ruin the products beneath?
Bilimemnon:: Of course, we've toiled for years yet never seem to find a way to counteract this flaw...
Baldmoronous:: Since the Geeks know well the properties of your dye, perhaps they can craft a wicked yeast, but make it so appear that it has been created by the Eleutherians. With such a device, people's household goods will be destroyed, and we can blame it on Linusseus. We can also sell them more crafts. In this way, the tide will be turned, Linuxa will see the folly of her ways, and come to live with you! And even more gold shall be yours.
Bilimemnon:: I see your point. By infecting crafts with a wicked yeast, we can turn the tide of public opinion, and Linuxa will at last be mine. Forget the Laurerii, get the Geeks to work.
Scene II
(The set has many people, including Linisseus, Linuxa and various farmers and craftsmen, separated so they can't see each other but each working in their places. The dialog between them is in fact carried out over many days by messenger birds [see RFC 1149, TCP over avian carrier]; so mechanical birds are being raised and lowered from the ceiling to remind the audience, also known as an Avis ex Machina).
Linisseus:: What news from the giants?
Farmer: Some fellow named Darilictus came with a bunch of Laurerii, trying to cause trouble.
Linisseus:: What did they want?
Farmer: Seems he wanted to take Linuxa as his bride. There's a rumor that it's really a plot by Bilimemnon, to steal her away to Micropolis.
Linisseus:: By my father Stalhóm's beard, this must not be! What says Linuxa? You are free to do as you will, what will you?
Linuxa: I do so much want to stay here.
Linisseus:: Then we must fight, the only way we can, since our Laurerii are few. We must make it known, that Linuxa's wish is to remain in Eleuthra. Not by force, but only by the power of the the spread of knowledge will we avert this dreadful fate. He'll are not touch her then. How shall we do this deed, to spread the news to all?
Craftsmen: We know a way! We will raise awareness of Linuxa's wish, and adorn our crafts with her emblem, so that all know that she is here of her own will, and would never to go to Bilimemnon. No wretched dye from Geece shall touch the work of our hands, only the emblem of Linuxa. In this way all will know the truth.
Chorus:: I beheld the evil yeast, released by secret teams of Geeks, spreading to every land, infecting the crafts of any product coated with the dye of Bilimemnon. Soon all replaced their goods with the crafts from Eleuthra, adorned with the beauty of the face of Linuxa. The dye was cast, from every house, unfit for use, rotted by the infection created by Bilimemnon and the Geeks themselves.
Scene III
Bilimemnon:: What's happened to our realm? My sudden turn of fortune leaves me wishing for the early days of glory.
Baldmoronous:: Well, look at the bright side: you got your wish, Linuxa's face is everywhere.
Bilimemnon:: But this was not my plan! Wherever I look, I cannot avoid seeing her face. There is not one pot, not one sword which doesn't bear her fair face. Even my new bath, built by Iacusi of Kalyphornium, has her image on its drains and handles and tiles...and where have all the geeks gone?
Baldmoronous:: Rumor is, they're moving out, several families at a time, to Eleuthra.
Bilimemnon:: And the Nazdaquii? They seem to lessen in number each day.
Baldmoronous:: Each family who leaves is followed by several dozen Nazdaquii, they seem to follow in loyalty. At least the Laurerii are still here.
Bilimemnon:: I'm not worried about them, when they get hungry they'll go find another source of food. With any luck they'll move back to Ambulancia where they came from. Perhaps we should chase them there.
Baldmoronous:: Can't we get them to do something about all this?
Bilimemnon:: Alas, with Geeks and Nazdaquii having gone, I've nothing left to give them. They always want a lot. What am I to do? I've lost everything!
(Enter Hercubush and his assistant.)
Hercubush: I think we agree, the past is over.
Bilimemnon:: Hercubush! Thank the gods you're here. Look at this mess.
(holds out scroll)
Hercubush: It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
Bilimemnon:: Yes, it's clear. I'm broke!
Hercubush: I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family. Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream. If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
Bilimemnon:: But what can I do?
Hercubush: We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur. I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can't answer your question. But, it's your money. You paid for it.
Bilimemnon:: But that's just it, I have no more money. Only Laurerii. No one wants my products, they're buying imports from Eleuthra.
Hercubush: The vast majority of imports come from outside the country.
Bilimemnon:: I don't need verbosity, I need answers, I need help.
Hercubush: Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things. If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. The future will be better tomorrow. I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.
Bilimemnon:: Arrghh!
Assistant to Hercubush: We've got one job open right now. With all these things coming from Eleuthra, we've created a department to test the crafts and ensure their compatibility with water. The assistant manager just quit, but it's really a nice job - you get your own cubicle, and you draw pictures of the products and file them. What's your experience level?
(Bilimemnon and Baldmoronous follow Hercubush dejectedly as he leads them away from Micropolis and Geece to his own abode.)
Chorus:: I saw Bilimemnon go to work for Hercubush, in a small cubicle, working in Hercubush's vast cohort. And thus Bilimemnon got his wish, to posses the beauty of Linuxa, reminded every day that he was done in by his own yeast, as Nemesis exacted her price.
Baldmoronous, his assistant.
Chorus of Eleuthra.
Darilictus, nephew of Eunice, king of the city of Kaldyros, incestuous suitor to Linuxa.
Linisseus, son of Stalhóm founder of Eleuthra.
Linuxa, daughter of the god Ordinatus and Eunice, youngest sister of Melea and Phaosa.
Hercubush, demi-god and emperor of a far-away land.
Hercubush's assistant.
You've got a lot of nerve, Darilictus, and have no right.
I pity her myself, but Linuxa is more beautiful, and all love her. Men's natures vary, and their habits differ, but true virtue is always manifest. Likewise the training that comes of education conduces greatly to virtue; for not only is modesty wisdom, but it has also the rare grace of seeing by its better judgment what is right; whereby glory, ever young, leaves during life by reputation. It's a great thing to follow virtue's footsteps, it adds to a city's greatness.
Get the Laurerii! Call them here at once!
A few notes
I hope that some will find this an amusing flight of fancy about our current scene. The first act is shamelessly plagiarized from Euripedes Iphigenia at Aulis, which I was reading this afternoon and which provoked random thoughts about SCO, IBM, Microsoft, Linux, Novell, hubris, Nemesis, Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos. The words of Hercubush are also verbatim, I didn't make them up. The rest of the story took on a life of its own, I don't pretend to know the future. But I do think that some of the real characters are caught up in great historical events which are much larger than they are, and which they probably can't see very clearly.
Someone has suggested a short explanation of some of the vocabulary, since Greek is not commonly taught anymore:
melea - apple tree
phaos - window
eleutheros - freedom
Cartorum is a phony Latin genitive of the French word carte (= Descartes).
Darilictus [assonance with derelict - lacking a sense of duty].
Ordinatus is trying to be a cognate with the French ordinateur - computer, as Eunice is assonant with Unix.
RFC 1149 is real, and in fact Linux Torvalds has tested it, as reported in this recent feature.
For those who may not know some of the more obscure mythology in this play, you may want to download the movie Hercubush. It's here (6.5 Mb, wmv format).